Whoooo Wheeee! I was on quite a tear last week wasn’t I?
This whole thing is about me trying to be less afraid, more open and to help me put words to the things I feel. That is what I felt last week, but putting it out here in the land of the internet caused me to hurt some people in the process. That wasn’t my intention.
Part of this whole blog business is an exercise for my writing skills. It is me reconnecting with a part of myself that I forgot about a long time ago. I used to write frequently, I was even published a few times. I would like to explore that option again at some point down the line when I feel I have a solid set of skills to work with. This isn’t entirely the insane ramblings of a woman on the fringe. Part of it is me setting a deadline for myself to post a finished piece. So, I write about what is on my mind at the moment.
I am attempting to tell a story in a way that it is cohesive for the piece as a whole, but I want this blog to be honest, or what is the point? Last week I felt like shit. It was a rough week. That’s what I went through and that’s how I felt about it, so that’s what I wrote about. In the end, the moral of the story was that I needed to look at myself to figure out what I needed to fix. At least, that was my hope for the moral of the story. I know in life, when all was said and done, the only finger pointing I was doing was in the mirror.
I am so used to thinking of myself as this isolated being that I forgot how wondrous opening yourself up to people can be. Sometimes it is magical and sometimes it sucks ass. When I wrote the blog, it never really occurred to me that those guys might read it or that they would even care. You walk around for long enough making sure that no one sees you and it gets really safe. I am letting everyone see me now and that makes things a little more precarious.
I don’t feel like I am surrounded by assholes. Not even close. I might get my precious little feelings hurt from time to time but it’s not the end of the world. I’m like a little baby deer out here, my legs are wobbly and sometimes I fall flat on my face. That’s ok. For the most part, I am surrounded by people who will laugh at my ass laying there on the ground as they give me a hand right back up. I love them for it.
Almost everyone I encounter right now makes me feel like my life is richer. There are people all around me who have loved me a long time and it’s entirely my loss that I didn’t open myself up to them a long time ago. I also have many new relationships in my life that mean the world to me. There is a little part of me that will always wonder how many amazing friendships I let pass me by while I hid out and played it safe.
At the end of last weeks blog, I had decided to look at myself and figure out what I was doing wrong, but what I realized this week is that is the kind of thinking that got me into this mess in the first place. Certainly I still have to work on myself. If you are breathing, that’s your number one job, but I need to stop focusing on what I’m doing wrong and start focusing on all the things I’m doing right.
The fact that I went anywhere with anyone and didn’t drag the camera around with me to hide behind is kind of a big deal at this point. So I am going to let myself off the hook. I did that right. I got emotionally invested enough with people that I let their words hurt me. I did that right. I got offended. That is awesome; it means that I have standards for myself. It means that I’m not just talking a good game. It means I really am falling in love with myself. I’m doing that right. When I was really sad about it all, I thought about eating a cake & downloading The Real Housewives of Somewhere, but instead I went and got fresh garlic, lemon, garbanzo beans and tahini and made myself hummus from scratch and I walked a lot. I did that absolutely right.
I had those experiences. I did that right. I put it out there that I wanted to draw sexual scenarios into my life and I did. Did I get it right, right off the bat? Nope and what I realized is that I didn’t really want sex at all. I wanted someone that I connect with to do fun shit with. Guess what? I already have that with several people. Sex will come when it comes, pardon the pun; in the meantime I’m building relationships and actually nurturing deep emotional bonds with people. And I’m not running scared or trying to figure out how to destroy the whole thing in the process. I’ve been doing that right.
I realized this week that I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m going to stumble and make mistakes and my spindly legs and big fat ego are going to let me down from time to time. But overall, I’m totally doing this right.
All I have to do at any given moment is look around me; at my text messages, inbox, voice mail and when I’m really lucky across the room to realize that I am doing everything right. I have opened myself up to the most amazing, talented, funny, honest, awkward, awesome and downright good group of people that I don’t have shit-all to complain about. I might get on this blog and whine from time to time, and I have been honest about how grumpy I have been the last two months. But I can honestly say that I am happier now than any time I can remember in my life. Genuinely fucking happy.
Little miracles happen almost everyday and for the first time maybe ever, I am aware enough to see them and be genuinely grateful without having some kind of negative, distrustful thought to accompany them. They are just little moments of bliss. Sometimes it’s as simple as a quick phone call or a text message; sometimes it’s an amazing act of kindness and generosity. But no matter how large or small, I try to take a second to just be in that moment ~To be thankful for it.
They wouldn’t be happening if I didn’t put in the work. And I’m really trying to put in the work. There is a long standing joke between some of my closest besties and I that I am not the one who will remember your birthday or show up with little gestures, but I am the one to call at the 3:00 in the morning to get your ass out of whatever crack you are in without judgment. I tend to hurt some of my friends’ feelings sometimes because I don’t really reach out to do things. They wonder if I’m upset. I’m not. I’m just bad at that part. My mom has always joked about how I am the “don’t touch me” kid. I am.
I have not been the most demonstrative person when it comes to emotions throughout my life. There are reasons for it. I’m not ready to share those secrets just yet other than to say they play a huge part in why I am the way I am. But I am fucking working on it. I don’t want to be that friend anymore… Well with one caveat, I will still come get your lame as at 3 AM, no questions asked.
I am trying to remember birthdays, make phone calls, send emails and give small gestures. I’m initiating hugs, touching people and telling people I care about them. For the first time that I can consciously remember, I’m not scared. Real trust still takes me some time. But once I trust, I trust completely. And that’s another first in a long time. There are actually people I trust outside of my safe & sacred inner circle of thirty ++ years.
I’m learning that if you give people half a fucking chance, they will surprise and enchant you. I’m learning that the more I let go and let people in the easier it gets. People are going to hurt me, disappoint me, let me down, and piss me off and that’s ok, because without all of that, you don’t get to really appreciate all the good stuff they bring into your life. And I do appreciate it. Even the boys from last week’s blog; Shit, at least they made me feel like a girl. I did that right.